The 9 Circles of Marathon Training Hell

Running a marathon is a great goal. You accomplish something only a small percentage of the population dares to do. You experience setting out and accomplishing something big. And you get to put that 26.2 sticker on the ass-end of your minivan.

Buuuuuut. Let me tell you something about marathons.

You have to train for them. And training for a marathon is like being in all 9 circles of hell at once…for six straight months.

Here, friends, let me show you the 9 Circles of Marathon Training Hell.

Limbo.

Should I even run this marathon? you ask yourself over and over again. You will continue to ask this while you are running the actual marathon.

Lust.

Oh, how I wish I was already done with this thing like *insert friend’s name here*.

Gluttony.

Why the f*ck is my stomach getting so fa…ooh look! Someone brought donuts! Well, since I ran today…

Greed.

Okay, I need new shoes, and I have to drink water, duh, so I definitely need a hydration pack, and I don’t want to get blisters, so of course I need $50 socks, honey, and…you know what, I should see what’s new at Lululemon.

Anger.

Why the hell did I sign up for this stupid race? I don’t even like running!

Heresy.

Every time I meet a new runner: You know what? Running’s not even good for you. It’s all about lifting weights and eating protein.

Violence.

This is brought on by a constant state of “hangriness.” GET OUTTA THE WAY OF THE FRIDGE OR I’LL TEAR OFF YOUR ARM AND EAT IT WAMPA-STYLE.

Fraud.

What the shit am I even doing? Am I like the slowest runner on Earth? Does this even count as running? Because this feels like walking briskly.

Treachery.

Husband: How long’s your run?

Me, every time: Two hours.

Actual time: Three hours plus stretching plus rolling plus bathing plus napping.

So, can you relate?