I broke down yesterday. But first, the usual update about the weekend long run…
DAY 258
I planned on running before the Easter egg hunts at 10 a.m. Saturday, but I was still getting ready to get out the door at 7. Then a rain/snow mix started blowing sideways out of my window. Then I heard T Junior singing. “We will, we will…Bock You!” over the monitor.
I’ll go tomorrow. There would be no time on Saturday for 10 miles because we did two egg hunts with friends, then lunch, then we were going to an RV show to look for a new motorhome. I didn’t mind. I was enjoying my family.
DAY 259
Easter Sunday. T Junior got his basket, hunted for the eggs we dyed the night before and the ones the Easter bunny hid. He played with his new Thomas train, and we just all hung out in our PJs. He definitely didn’t want to go down for his nap.
And when he did, he cried in his crib. This is unusual. He’ll talk to himself or sing, but he doesn’t normally cry. So I cried, too, because I felt like a mean mommy. He’d been having so much fun, but the tired signs were there. I got ready for my run as I sobbed.
I didn’t feel like going. I wanted to stay home and relax.
The trees were being pushed and pulled in all directions by an unpredictibly gusty wind. It didn’t look fun out there. It looked dark and stormy. Like I felt.
But I went. *sigh*
I didn’t drive to the trail, I chose to run around town. First, I made my usual loop through the main intersection, but instead of coming back into my neighborhood, I continued down the side of the highway. I ran angry westbound in the bike lane of the eastbound traffic. I don’t like running with the flow of traffic because I can’t see what’s coming up behind me. That rule just doesn’t make any sense to me.
By foot, I explored neighborhoods I’ve always driven by, but never been in. I discovered new streets and got a closer look at things I see every day, but normally at 50 miles per hour.
The wind was so strong sometimes, I couldn’t hear my music. But it was not constant, so it was bearable.
Toward the middle of my 10-miler, I decided to make it 11 miles. Next week, I have 15 miles planned and I feel like that is a big jump. But I felt like stopping at 8 on Sunday’s run. Somehow, I struggled through it. Somehow, I kept a 10:38 pace. Somehow, my grumpy mood must’ve been blown away with the blossoms from the flowering trees.
4/4/10 – 11 Miles – 1:57:09
Average Pace: 10:38
Mile 1: 10:38
Mile 2: 10:13
Mile 3: 10:27
Mile 4: 10:33
Mile 5: 10:40
Mile 6: 10:40
Mile 7: 10:40
Mile 8: 10:48
Mile 9: 10:38
Mile 10: 10:45
Mile 11: 10:59
But that night, I was down again. Here’s what I journaled, and I still feel this way:
Should I quit marathon training?
I just spent an hour swiping tears and snot off my face with a Kleenex.
I am beating myself up physically and emotionally. How do people balance running a household (wife, mom, cooking, cleaning), holding down a job and training to run 26.2 miles?
I’m just done. I’m done with trying to fit it all in. The mid-week long runs, the weekend long-runs, the short runs, the hill workouts, the hydration, the going to bed early, the being tired, the blisters, the scheduling. Done. And I’m done blogging about it.
I’m done with this stupid dream that I don’t even know why I have in the first place.
Can’t I be just as happy running 5Ks, 10Ks and a half marathon here and there? That would mean running three times a week if I can fit it in and maybe a long run of 10 or less miles on the weekend. I could still get fit. I could still lose weight. I could still be proud of myself.
I’m just tired. And I feel selfish. Too much me time. I know I deserve some me time, but not this much. It’s so much time that other things I should be doing get pushed aside. And when I do have time, I’m too tired to do the things I didn’t have time to do before.
The living room hasn’t been dusted since I picked up the Christmas decorations. (T Junior’s) toys have somehow multiplied and strategically taken over the house. Seriously, the entire house. Last night, I turned down the sheets on the bed and found a small yellow dump truck. I don’t know when the last time I vacuumed the stairs was. I’m barely keeping my head above dishes and laundry.
And I’m not even half way done with marathon training. Why do I even want to run a stupid marathon anyway?
It’s so stupid. I don’t even know why I am doing this. It’s just one of those things I never thought I could do, but always wanted to. “Just one of those things” means I can’t describe it and so I am going with “just one of those things” because there’s no other way I can say it.
Tonight, (Mr. T) said I’m too far into it to stop now (even though, I’m sure he’d be happier if I quit). I sat across from him with my head down in defeat, and I used a wet tissue to catch a tear making its way down my cheek. “If I quit, I think I would regret it.” I peeked at my husband and saw he was watching me with his creamy brown eyes.
“I think you would, too.”
19 comments
It's no small task training for a marathon, there's no doubt about that. I have a hard enough time sometimes WITHOUT the job of being a Mom. I admire people like you who seem to be able to do it all. And you CAN do it. Maybe this was just a tough week. It will NOT hurt you in the long run to miss an occasional run. Sometimes life just has to come frist. Do the best you can… there are a lot of people rooting for you!
Yep, that's the emotional part of training. You have to face it sooner or later…now you have faced it and it is done. Now just continue the running plan. You can do this. It is one stickin' marathon…go kick its butt. You have already made the commitment. After the marathon, then you can can decide to train for 1/2s or 10ks, but right now, baby, it is a marathon you are training for! GOOOOOOO!
Kerrie, {{{hugs}}}I admire people who can train for marathons and hold down a job and wife and mom duties. It's not an easy thing to do for sure.I will never run a marathon because I have no desire to nor the time to train for it anyway, but I do want to run a half and periodically I have to re-evaulate why I want to do that. Is it because everyone else is doing it? Is it because I read so many running blogs and want to be like the people I read about? Or is it because it's a personal goal of mine?Sometimes I get caught up in all this running stuff and feel pressured to be like others. Maybe that is some of what you are feeling???Running should be fun and and should be personally rewarding. When it no longer is for me, I know it's time to re-evaluate things.With that said, I do think that you would regret not training for this marathon anymore but maybe after it's over you need to re-evaluate things?Good luck as you work this out.
What you've written down is the exact reason I haven't tackled a full marathon yet… the training is such a huge time commitment that I don't feel good tying up all that “me” time. Not that I think it's too much time to ask for, but sometimes I'd rather do other things with my me time, like shop, hang out with girlfriends, sit on the couch. That being said, you are half way through your training & if you decide to go for it you have a few months of hard work with a goal met at the end. You have the support of your family, which is fantastic. At the end of the day I think if you are going to commit that amount of time to running you have to enjoy it… if the training sucked all of the joy out of running I'm not sure I'd want to keep at it.
Training for a marathon is a huge time commitment. I'll admit I didn't focus too much on my personal “me” time until my kids were older (my youngest is 6 and I just ran my first marathon in March). I think it's important to be realistic about what you do really want to accomplish and what can wait. Not that I'm discouraging your training in the slightest! But you've got a lot of commitments pulling you in different directions. I trained for the marathon in a place where my career demands were lower and my kids' needs were lower. It would've been so much harder a few years ago.
Marathon training is tough. The race is the easy part. It pulls you away from your family, your free time and sometimes yourself. But I promise you, you will not regret sticking with it. If nothing else, it will show you all that you can accomplish, even when you think you can't. I'll be thinking of you!
Although I've never done what you are doing, I have done other things that require that kind of crazy time investment…and if it's anything like what I went through, I think the emotional roller coaster is part of the marathon training process. Possibly, also a little hormonal…that's the way it is with us women…nothing we can do about that. I will say that if you even think you might regret it, then you probably will…there's a saying that goes something like this: You are more likely to regret the things you did not do, than the things you did do. Makes sense…Having said all that, no one says you have to run THIS marathon, it could also be a little stretched out to later. But, truth is, I have a feeling you'll be fine…a few days will pass, you'll rest up some…and you'll keep on doing what you're doing and you're going to do this marathon! Hang in there Kerrie…and thanks for sharing so honestly. This is reality for many running moms at some point during the training process I'm sure.Hugs (((())))
I always have those kinds of feeling during training. It's tough emotionally as well as physically. But that's ok. It's ok to have 2nd thoughts and for it to be a struggle. This is what makes you strong. The getting up and slogging thru when you feel like quitting. As far as the guilt about loosing family time to running, it is important that your son see you take time for yourself to pursue hobbies you love. That's what teaches him to pursue his interests. And that you have a life besides just being his momma. There was a good article in RW a few months ago about this. http://www.runnersworld.com/article/1,7124,s6-238-275–13465-0,00.html#
OK now I am bit scared as I just commited to my first marathon. I can imagine the emotional tolls but CAN do this and finding balance will be something you will be able pull from this experience. Don't get caught up in the hoopla of hills, fueling…blah blah. It will all work out, just give it your all. Hang in there. I will rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing your heart! Who knew marathon training would be so hard mentally? I had no idea that I would questions if I should even do this. I so can relate to everything you said. How do people do this? But they do…you will and you will be so happy when you cross the finish line.The long miles makes you question your sanity for sure. Glad your hubby is so supportive. we couldn't do it without help.
But why does it have to be soooooo hard? Really, thank you all for your support.
Kerrie,First of all, do you want to run this marathon? That should be the first question you ask yourself! Training for a marathon isnt easy!! Not at all! I've run 3 and I found that it's so much easier when you are unemployed or childless!! None of those applied to me!!My son is 18, so I dont have a young child to take care of but I do have a job that occupies so much of my time that I to get depressed and frustrated because I LOVE to run and it makes me a happy person!!How many days are you running in your training? And my next question-does your husband run? If not, would your husband be interested in biking, with your son, while you are doing your long runs! Make it a family affair!!The hardest thing to do is to figure out and juggle all the commitments and not feel guilty about taking time for yourself! Remember, your son will grow up watching you!! He'll see your commitment and dedication and the happiness that you get from running!! Take him with you! Get a jogging stroller and take him running with you! I did that when my son was young! Talk about the upper body workout!!You can do it!! You have an amazing support system! And you know that you would feel awful if you quit now!!! Dont quit, but try to add your family to your workouts (if you want!)
Hang in there, Kerrie. I'm sure we've all had our moments of doubt, whether we're training for a 5K or a marathon. Many times during my runs I ask myself “Why?” and although it happens less now than before, it still happens.It's just a tough road for us to go through. The toughest part is hitting the wall during training, but that's what has to happen for you to feel confident in yourself. I fully believe that. You have to get to the point where, physically, you can't go any further, but you still have a mile or three to go, where every muscle aches, where every step is painful, where all you want to do is stop and call it a day, but you can't.And emotionally and mentally, you have to get there as well. You have to wonder why in the hell you ever thought that was a good idea, to run a marathon. You have to doubt yourself and feel as if you've made a mistake because you can't possibly run a marathon. I think you're hitting the mental and emotional wall, and I know that once you get past it (if you haven't done so already) that you'll feel great about yourself and your decision once more.Just take it a week at a time and everything will take care of itself.
It will always be “just one of those things.” If you quit now, you'll have to start over again at some point down the road, and I'm pretty sure you already know that. So don't quit. You're halfway there. You can do this, Kerrie! And I'm right behind you.
Aww Kerrie! First of all, your son is too cute. I had barely enough time outside of training for my half and I'm single! So you get major props for all that you do. LIke your husband said you are too far along to give up but maybe think of the marathon as a challenge and a goal but not necessarily worry about time etc. Run what you can, walk some parts, regardless you'll finish as a marathoner! I was thinking the same thing about races, maybe I should just concentrate on the 5 and 10ks and not worry about more. It's a stressful thing! You're awesome no matter how you decide to proceed.
Kerrie, my friend Anne pointed me in your direction and I am so glad she did. This is the first time that I have read a running blog that didn't make me feel like an alien. A lot of empty cheer out there, not much to hold onto when you are hitting a wall and start seriously questioning yourself. I also am training for a marathon and I too have a little boy who is used to getting a lot more of my time and energy and I sometimes feel incredibly guilty about stealing that away from him to achieve this personal goal. But then I tell myself that this is just as much for him as it is for me. He is the reason I embarked on this whole crazy idea of running a marathon, to set an example for him. Think of what we are teaching our kids, that if you want to achieve something you have to work hard for it and make sacrifices, that life is sometimes hard, that you can't give up, even when every cell in your body is telling you to. Don't stop. Change the way you are doing it or thinking about it but don't stop. I know it feels like a ridiculous thing to do to yourself and your body, this idea of running 26.2 miles – it's crazy. But somehow I know when it's all over it will make perfect sense. I will feel less afraid to tackle a challenge, I will hesitate less to make tough decisions because of the consequences, I will be stronger, mentally,emotionally, physically. Please keep going – your little boy will be so proud of you and though he may not fully understand the scope of your achievement right now, one day he will realize what you accomplished, when he understands just how far 26 miles are, when he understands how much work and grit it takes to be able to go that far, and he will think of you when he is facing a challenge and you will be a source of strength for him. I feel like crying almost all the time now, with about 7 weeks to go before Race Day, I am in pain all the time, I am tired all the time and I can't do anything else at this point but survive my training. I know how you feel. But I also know it will be worth it. Keep going, keep going, just keep going, keep those feet moving, one ahead of the other. We'll get there.
You can totally do it. And just think of the accomplishment you will feel when the marathon is done!! I am inspired by you, I can't pull the trigger on signing up for a full…
This is something that many of us marathoners go through. The training is arduous to say the least. And the time commitment in the middle stages is a little stressful – especially when you hit the mid week long runs. It's easy to anticipate the physical part of training. It's a lot tougher to put up with the mental strain.I'm going to be a little brutal here, but where you are at right now is a key decision point. We see it all the time in my running club. Every marathon cycle starts with dozens of runners, and by the time we're half way through, the numbers dwindle to the a handful. You're at that point where you need to make up your mind and decide on your own what you want. That being said, there's nothing wrong with deciding it isn't for you. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. This is also why I have always said that the actual race itself is more like a victory lap. You win by getting your feet to the start line. The rest is gravy!
Kerrie,I also signed up for my first marathon that I will be running in October. I have my first half this weekend. I am in the same boat as you…full-time job,full-time mommy and wife, plus all of the other activities I do! I know during my half marathon training (which I know isn't as intense as a full) I have just used my runs as my workouts (which I would do anyway) I do have to schedule around alot of things, and sometimes do them late at night or SUPER early in the mornings to get them in, so I don't mess with family time. I am tired ALOT, which my husband isn't thrilled with, but he is supportive…and it sounds like your husband is too! When I go into marathon training, I am going to use the same philosphy…running for my workouts, and if I miss one, or have to move things around etc, I am not going to beat myself up. This is SUPPOSE to be fun…right?!?! You need to reevaluate why you are doing this, and realize that maybe you need to take a week off…get your house cleaned(I feel the same way about mine!)..spend some time with your family and start up again next week. Again, don't beat yourself up for getting off schedule…you need to make this experience fun again! And look towards the race and realize that this may be a once in a lifetime thing that you do…something you can look back on and say “I ran 26.2 miles!”…something that you can stick a “26.2” sticker on your car and drive with pride….Plus, you can tell your son someday that “Mommy pushed herself, even when at times she wanted to give up, but she pushed herself to run 26.2 miles” This will show your son to “Never give up!” Times may get rough, but you can accomplish anything you set your mind too!You can do it Kerrie, and I can't wait to read your marathon report at the end of it!!!:)