I’m sad, which makes me feel guilty since Navy Wife just gave me the Sunshine Award and everything.
On Tuesday night, Mr. T told me he wanted to join the gym. I looked up from Born to Run and asked him when he thought he would be able to fit it in.
He shrugged. “I could go in the evenings.”
I shot back at him that I used to go in the evenings except he complained he never saw me so I started getting up at the crack of dawn in order to be home in the evenings.
Even as I spoke, I knew I was in the wrong. My video-game-playing husband wants to do something healthy and I essentially discourage him right off the bat. Way to be supportive, there, wife.
We stared at each other for a minute until I started crying. “I wish I could run,” I blubbered. “I miss running.” I hope he got my apology because that’s basically what that was. Understand?
No? Translation: “Sorry, hon, you can work out in the evenings if you want. It doesn’t matter anyway because it’s not like I’m ever going to run again.”
Dramatic much? But my shin being sore Tuesday hurt more than my leg. It damaged my view of recovery, which I believe should end exactly when the doctor said it would: at the earliest, 8 weeks, and at the longest, 12. Not a day after.
What if I haven’t made any progress? What if working out is making it worse? And how the hell can I know?
It’s so frustrating.
I’ve been athletic my entire life. I learned to snow ski when I was 3. I killed triple-black runs at Squaw Valley, I wiped out on a water ski behind the Master Craft every summer, I played soccer from grades 1-12 and had clete marks on my inner thigh for a month a couple of times (in college it was turf burn from Martin Stadium), I took plenty of kicks to my head during water polo games, I ran 5 miles in 100-degree weather nearly every day of the week during cross country season, I fielded a line-drive between my shoulder blades, and I’ve even been caught not knowing which way was sand and which way was sky more than once in the Pacific.
And now I’m hurt from running too much? What the hell? It’s messed up. It’s not fair. I want a do-over.
Homesick one night in my Pullman dorm room, I put on my grungy Nikes, a black pair of soccer shorts and a bulky GAP hoodie, and walked across the street to Mooberry track. I was all alone as I ran under the tall fieldhouse lights. The cold Palouse air stung my thighs red, and it felt wonderful. I only stopped after 20 laps because it was getting pretty late and I had classes in the morning. I felt refreshed. Renewed.
More than ever, now that I can’t run, I am realizing how much it is an important part of my life. I don’t know how I survived without it so long. All those years — after college till last year — I could’ve been running and now I’m trying to make up for lost time. There’s something about the simple deep-breath-in-and-out-swing-your-arms-put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other rhythm that helps me think. It puts life in perspective. It makes me a better person (when I’m not stressing about training for a marathon, I better add). It connects me with my spirit, with nature. Do I dare compare running to religion?
Do you go to church? I haven’t been in a while, I hate to admit. I’m one of those bad Catholics. But I know the feeling after you leave mass. It’s almost as if you are starting over. You’re all shiny and new, and ready for whatever the week is going to throw at you. Kind of what running does, right?
I didn’t work out on Wednesday morning because of my shin. I want this thing healed, darn it! And I didn’t go to the gym today either. I may head to the pool tonight, but I’m not sure since my doctor appointment is tomorrow morning. And my shin is a little sore (it doesn’t hurt, but I can feel it), which is extremely disappointing since I skipped two workouts to avoid that.
Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but I just don’t feel like myself lately. My running spirit is so far down in the dumps, you might as well just consider it buried. And, frankly, I am losing interest in the bike and the elliptical with each second. The only thing that has been keeping me going is a good book and the thought of the 10K on my birthday in September.
Maybe if/when Mr. T joins the gym, we can go together sometimes. That might be nice…
What kept you going when you were injured?
Aw Kerrie. I have been fortunate in that I have never had an extended running injury (knock on wood!) but I think I would be feeling just like you do. Try to hang in there and keep your chin up. You WILL run again and you have a whole lifetime of it ahead of you.
I am so sorry Kerrie. I have been knocked out of races a couple of times. Once I had to opt out of a marathon in STL bc I am easily anemic and my iron levels were so low, the doctor said I could have heart failure if I ran–that was a huge let down. Then, just this past spring, I couldn't take part in my annual Hospital Hill Half-Marathon Race due to a bum ankle. I have always been lucky enough to catch things early (knocking on wood also, Marlene). My husband recently decided that he wants to be a runner. He is not the athletic type at all, so watching him hit the pavement a few days a week encourages me. Sometimes it is nice to go on the slow, short runs with him. Maybe you could try that with your man? 🙂
Sweet Kerrie. I feel your pain and felt like you were writing my exact thoughts. When something that you love is taken away it seems confusing and so frustrating. I am slowly on the mend and fear that each run could be my last one. It is tough being out of control. You will RUN again and feel renewed. Until the you need to look at what you can poor your time and heart into and you may get a surprise benefit?? No matter what talking to people who are running (care free) is tough! I could have never gone anc cheered everyone one one at Seattle like you did. It hurts to see what you want flying by. I am praying for healing and clarity. Maybe you could come away from this with some serious gun boats! HUGS!!! and it OK to have a bummer day….wish I could articulate my exact feelings as well as you!!
Kerrie, I am so with you in every way. I pray your injury does not take as long to heal as mine has, but frustrating does not even begin to cover it. I can totally relate to the grumpies, and while my husband said he understood I missed running and the relief it brings, I think only a runner can truly relate to how off it makes the world and everythign in it seem.i know the pool is not the same as feeling yourself sweat it out, but it might be a good option for at least a few weeks to give your bone a chance to start new growth. doing aquajog intervals is a great way to get your heartrate up-60 sec hard, 30 easy, or 5 min at 10k pace (by effort, so hard but maintainable), 2 min easy. I loved that one and felt tired afterwards. email me if you want more workout ideas.
Boy do I hear you, I tried running yesterday and my knee is sore again today and I've resigned myself to going to a sports doctor to get it sorted out – I'm SO worried that its going to take a long time, one last shot at London, and its only 10mths away. PLUS, I spent 30 years NOT running, saying running was stupid, and then I started and felt so good and so empowered and loved it … 18mths later I'm so scared it is going to be taken away from me :(Hang in there, I keep telling myself lots of other people come back from injury, I just have to be patient … so so hard though ((hugs))
Hope your spirits pick up soon! If your husband goes to the gym with you, that might make it more fun and interesting during this time when you can't run?!?
It must be frustrating to be itching to get out there and not be able to. I know I get bored of the elliptical and the bike… I need an end goal or reason to put the training in. Could you find a bike race or event to participate in and make up a training plan around it just while you're off running?
Kerrie, this sucks and I'm sorry. Don't get too discouraged because you WILL heal and you WILL run again. Healing sucks. Just keep doing what you are doing by going on the bike and doing water exercise. You can do it!
i know your pain, and im so sorry. i wish there was something i could do other than say im sorry, because I know that doesnt help with your need to run…but you will run again!
The three months it took to heal my shin bone stress fracture were easily the longest months of my life. One of the things that I love about running is just being outside in the fresh air, so I went for long bike rides and walks, rather than working out in a gym. I swam, too, but I didn't love that at the time. That summer is when I signed up for my first triathlon – I desperately needed a goal to work toward.I hope you can find something enjoyable to help you through this rough time. As you well know, not exercising sucks.
That sucks. No advice, but I hope you are feeling better soon. (((hugs)))
Kerrie! I'm so sorry that the running gods dealt you a crappy hand lately, but it DOES sound like you're finding lessons in it.. namely, that NOT being ABLE to run makes its importance even more clear to you. That was the lesson I got, too, when I had the stress fracture a few months ago. I realized just how important it is in my life. Now, that can bum you out more b/c you can't do it right now, or you can use that knowledge/revelation (call it what you will!) to help propel you forward on those days when you CAN run, but just*don't*want*to….you'll get there, friend. As for Mr. T… bless his heart. That's all I can say. Our husbands endure a lot of crap from us, don't they? Gotta love 'em. Love the new blog look. 🙂 FEEL BETTER! Sending HUGS from Orlando.r.
HUGS I hope that you will be back and going asap and WITH your fit hubby