You may have noticed. I have not been “feelin’ it” lately: running, blogging, being social.
I can’t figure out why, which is annoying. But I’m starting to think I’m actually nervous.
I’m nervous about my sub-2-half attempt on Sunday.
I keep thinking I won’t remember how to run. And if I do remember how to run, will I be able to make my legs go fast? And what if I don’t get my sub-2? Then I have to start all over again with the whole speed training and stuff. I don’t want to. I think I want to take a distance-running break this fall. I’m looking forward to 5 and 10Ks. I’m looking forward to running just for the health of it.
I’m also nervous about what my running life will be like after Sunday.
Someone asked me recently who/what I am running for. Am I running for myself or just to have something to write about on this blog?
I started this blog to keep myself motivated to run. Now, while it’s very encouraging and motivating to have this blogging community, I don’t necessarily need it anymore to get me running. No offense. I just know how to get my behind out of the door.
But why am I getting out of the door? Well…I enjoy running, for one. But, also for the health benefits and to clear my mind. Then, of course, there is the social side: the friendships, both on- and off-line. These are all very selfish things, I suppose, but I’m only human. And I do believe they make me a better person overall. I also don’t know if I would’ve discovered all this if it weren’t for this blog.
But I’m wondering if my journey is over after Sunday’s race. What big goal do I have to reach for, and write about, now? I already fulfilled my marathon dream in June, which is what this whole blog was focused on. I would like to run another marathon, but I promised I would wait for at least a couple of years because the training really took too much time away from my family.
And if I do decide on a goal, do I really need to write about it all the time?
Today, I had a short run on the schedule. I was nervous for 3 miles. Before I left to run, I almost felt as if my legs might just freeze up and refuse to go. So I decided I would just relax and think about things during the run. I would meditate on what I’m running for.
As I took my first few steps of Mile 1, I realized I had not forgotten how to run. My legs were almost machine-like, pushing and pulling me over the sidewalk. My pace: low 9’s. I concentrated on thinking, even though what ducked in and out of my brain varied from “I think there’s a bug in my mouth” to “why do I run?”
I picked it up a little for Mile 2, eager to test my speed. My pace, now in the mid- or low-8’s, felt comfortable. My rhythm was sturdy. Strong even. But I wasn’t thinking about “why I run” anymore. I wasn’t thinking about “my next big goal” or this blog. There was only one thing on my mind:
“I’m going to kill it Sunday.”
I guess I am feelin’ it. I’ll just have think about all that other stuff on Monday.