How to Cut Oranges

Do you know how to slice an orange into wedges?

Oh yeah, well, good for you.

It never occurred to me there is any certain way to cut an orange until Saturday morning.

I typically don’t even buy oranges here in Washington state because, in general, they taste like ass. And when I was growing up in California (where the oranges rock, by the way), my mother held the citrus-cutting gig. No need for me to do it. But now, I’m a mom with a 4-year-old on a soccer team so, you know, orange wedges.

Anyway, there I was standing at the kitchen island enjoying the weekend smells of coffee and Eggos. My preschooler was in the living room watching PBS Kids or ESPN Gameday or a commercial for Paranormal Activity 4. I can’t remember.

I had my cutting board, a giant knife and a pile of six mediocre-looking oranges in front of me. I sliced one in half.

Then I totally blanked.

Now what? How do people get wedges from these things?

I cut one of the halves down the middle. Voila! Two huge wedges. That doesn’t look right.

I timidly cut one of them again, then freaked out.

Ack! That’s a slice, not a wedge! I don’t know how to cut orange wedges! What sort of mother am I?! I suck!

I looked over at Karsen, who was acting out a football game with his strange concoction of stuffed animals: several Winnie-the-Pooh characters, a large and small version of WSU’s Cougar mascot, a husky named Boo and a green monkey, who goes by Monks. I watched him for a little bit – his sweet in-between-baby-and-boy face – and listened to his munchkin voice call out the plays, and you know what I thought next?

F*ck the oranges.

I made slices instead of wedges with a smile on my face.