I go through food phases. Okay, okay. Addictions.
Lately, it’s popcorn. And wine. But not together because that would be gross (unless you know of a good wine that goes with popcorn — message me, k?). The popcorn has to be air-popped and have lots of freshly melted, salted butter poured on it. And it has to be mixed up really well. I do not like dry popcorn. I also do not like to share.
And the wine has to be … who am I kidding? The wine just has to be.
But both of these things are actually doing me harm. Yeah, I should just admit it.
The popcorn is really salty and I sometimes have two big salad bowls of it — like 10 cups of popcorn and some ungodly amount of butter that I’m too shamed to admit here. I NEVER feel good afterward and often have stomach troubles the next day. So why do I keep eating it? Because it’s so freakin’ good, that’s why! I need help.
I tend to have the wine later in the evening, and I think it’s affecting my sleep because I keep having to get up multiple times in the night to visit the bathroom. I NEED a full night’s sleep like nobody’s biznezz. Seriously.
I’ve had other food addictions in the past. There was the pickle phase (TWSS), the era of hot chocolate and the reign of apples dipped in peanut butter. Oh, and who could forget the Month of the Banana Split, which tragically ended with me bawling on the phone to Mr. T while sitting in my car in the parking lot of my doctors office. I’d just discovered I’d gained 12 pounds in, basically, 30 days. I was 6 months pregnant.
So, tonight after I get home from water aerobics, I’m quittin’ popcorn cold turkey! That’s right. I said it. NO popcorn…unless I’m at the mov… NO! No popcorn! From now on, when I think of popcorn, I will think of dog poop. Yes, I will associate it with dog doo. When I look at the puffy popped kernels, I will think “Hey, look at those brown piles of dog stuff.” Do you think that will work?
I know what you are thinking. What about the wine? Let’s not get carried away here, okay. One thing at a time. Yes, I will stop drinking wine.
But only after 9 p.m. No wine after 9. Hey, that’s easy to remember. Popcorn=dog crap. No wine after 9. I think I can do this.
What are your food addictions? Don’t lie and say you don’t have any. Do you think this will last? Are you mad at me for ruining popcorn for you?