I was feeling so low on Monday. When I get low, I question myself. What do I want with my life?
I go back and forth between wanting to be someone and wanting to just quietly live my happy little life. Most days, my happy little life wins. But some days, I feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I haven’t done anything. I mean, I’m 35, and I am a part-time copywriter. In the words of Adam Sandler: Whoopidy doo!
Do you know what I mean? I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just that it’s not particularly impressive. Who am I trying to impress?
I’m a tough critic…of myself. Have you ever seen Despicable Me? I’m totally Gru’s mom; not to my kid–everything he does is pretty great–or anyone else, but to myself.
Me: “Look, Ker, you just ran a freaking marathon with a smile on your face the whole time!”
Me: “Look, Ker, you were in charge of worldwide internal communications for a Fortune 150 company before you were 30!”
Me: “Look, Ker, you write copy for products sold nationwide in freaking Costco!”
Kerrie is not impressed.
I suspect social media makes this worse. When I can so easily see all the wonderful accomplishments of others, I get that “keeping up with the Joneses” feeling even though I am ecstatic for the other person. I am impressed definitely. Envious, too. I should really stay off of social media.
I had a whole blog post about my training so far this week and how I’m FINALLY feeling better, and not wheezing anymore, and getting back into the swing of things. But none of it helped me answer the question that’s been on my mind since Monday: What do I want with my life? I’ve only come up with more questions: When will I have done enough to impress myself? When will I have done enough so that I stop questioning if I can do more, be more? When can I stop questioning? When can I stop and just enjoy today?
I can totally see the future. I do a triathlon, but as usual, I’m not impressed with myself. So I sign up for an Ironman. But if the marathon did not impress me, will an Ironman? And then what?
Am I trying to fill what I perceive as a career-hole with endurance sports? Is that what is going on here? I’m not entirely sure. And, if that’s what it is, why endurance sports? Why not knitting?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you and I feel this way from time to time as well. But I do think you are missing the biggest accomplishment…raising another human being…that is some serious business right there :). I think even CEO’s of companies it was their dream to run have these feelings from time to time.
I see a whole lot of myself in this post. And when I have the answers I’ll let you know.
I completely understand – I feel the same way a lot. I have worked so hard to get where I am with my job, I’ve worked my @$$ off for 10 years to get in shape, ran marathons, got into triathlons, became a mom, and then finished Ironman. And you’d think I’d be ok with all of that. Um…no. Why? I have no idea. I’m crazy I think.
But we can be crazy together if you want 😉
I struggled with that same feeling so much when I quit working to be a stay-home-mom. I had never planned to not work – that’s why I went to Grad. school. It took me years to finally get to the point where I’m OK with who I am and what I do in life (nothing that affects anyone outside of my little family).
It is hard but hopefully you will get to the point where you realize how very much all of the things you do every day matter to those around you!!!
I love you. I hate social media too – part of the reason I stopped reading blogs – the Keeping up with the Joneses feeling.
Blah. I am of no help. I work 70+ hours a week and do nothing.
Try to change your attitude while surfing in social media. Not everyone has to do or can do everything. And try to chance your attitude in general. That’s what I have done. I’d love to travel but travelling is so darn expensive. I could be miserable but instead I watch travel documents on TV and enjoy domestic travelling. I’ve been to Hawaii once and would love to go again. No chance, too far, no money. But there are also cool places not far from my home town. They aren’t Hawaii, but different kind of cool. And I try to make the most of it. I also try to think that a person living in Fidzi for example would probably get a kick out of a place I take for granted. And Yes, do knit something and after done so remember to be VERY proud of your accomplishment! Because it’s a unique piece and no-one has the same. It’s all about the attitude =o)
Hmmmm… this hits a bit to close to home for me! Giving me something to think about. But no, I don’t think you are crazy 🙂
I have the same thoughts and feelings about myself. It’s really hard being satisfied with your own accomplishments. Part of that’s good since it pushes you toward new goals and triumphs but the other part is having that nawing feeling that you just are never good enough no matter what you do. That’s usually where my faith comes in, knowing I’m special to God and he made me just the way I am and that I do have a capacity to do many things but to be content with who I am right now and just BE. There is a profound depth in just taking time to savor and be thankful for the moment at hand instead of constantly chasing the future. I need to remind myself of this on a regular basis. Kerrie you are a great writer and you inspire many people, this post is a great example of that! 🙂
You is kiiiiind. You is smaaaaart. And you is important. (Wait, you’ve seen ‘The Help’ right? If not, you’re going to think I’m a doofus.)
Go do an unscientific poll of runners around the Seattle area. I’d wager 1 in 10 (or more) female runners know of Mom Vs Marathon. Some might even say they’re running BECAUSE of MvM. Your ripple seems small, but it goes far and wide in ways you’ll never, ever, know! At some point, words you’ve typed have changed someone else’s life for the better. Isn’t that awesome??
But even with all you’ve done, if you feel you were meant for more, then go achieve more! Go do that thing that your soul urges you to do. But do it because it gives you butterflies of excitement at the mere *thought* of it, not because you think you ought to.
I hear you, it always seems other people have more/know more/do more. I’m sure many people look at you and wish they would have your life! To me being a copywriter sounds creative and fun!
Gsoh, such pressure! It always seems so much easier to see what we don’t have, or can’t do, isn’t it? I have never had a career, I got pregnant shortly after graduating college and worked to get by until I could quit to be a SAHM. Now that my kids are growing, it’s like, now what???? As moms especially it is easy to be hard on ourselves! Hopefully this post will remind you to take a few moments and be proud of yourself 🙂
Life is cruel sometimes, isn’t it?